Franchises We Once Loved, In Honor of ‘A Good Day to Die Hard’

Jaws

Ok, Jaws basically invented the summer blockbuster. And it’s one of the best films ever made. So there’s no shame there. Saying Jaws 2 is the best of the Jaws sequels is lot like picking your favorite Kardashian…but there you have it. Roy Scheider however was kind enough to return for part 2 and by “kind enough” I mean “contractually obligated”.

Jaws 3-D has very inauspicious beginning. It was originally pitched to the studio as a spoof with the title “National Lampoon’s Jaws 3, People 0”. (That’s actually true.) However, Steven Spielberg was appalled at the notion and apparently preferred to live in a world where people would make increasingly shitty sequels so his film would look even better in comparison. Well played, Mr. Spielberg…well played.

So how bad was the third installment? The press release for the fourth film, Jaws: The Revenge, refers to itself as “the third film in Jaws trilogy”. Ouch.

It’s hard to know where to start with what’s wrong for the fourth film. The fact that it completely ignores the events or very existence of the previous film? The fact that shark swims from New York to the Bahamas? Or perhaps the notion that sharks can want and/or seek revenge? How about when Brody’s widow is haunted by flashbacks to scenes she wasn’t present for? Maybe it’s that you can see the wires and mechanisms used to propel the shark? Oh, wait…I know what it is. It’s the fact that shark roars. Like a lion. Which is a problem because, you know…it’s a shark.

Michael Caine was unable to claim his Oscar for Hannah and Her Sisters because he was on location for this travesty. But he has a wonderful outlook on having been in one of the worst films ever made. When asked once if he’d ever actually seen the film he replied, “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific!”

Superman

So Superman 1 and 2 were good. However, Superman III fell victim to Hollywood’s instance (at the time) that comic book films were supposed to be “comic”…so they added Richard Pryor. However, it receives retroactive cool points for inspiring a large portion of Office Space.

And then there’s Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. The film’s budget was cut in half just days before film began resulting in a mad scramble. Effects are subpar and recycled throughout the film. But that doesn’t account for the fact the movie revolves around Superman’s “No nukes” political philosophy. He even fights a super villain creatively called “Nuclear Man” who was played by an actor so charismatic that he never appeared in another film again.

Have you ever wanted to see a movie where left-leaning Superman gave a speech to the United Nations about the dangers of nuclear proliferation? Yeah, neither did anybody else.

And 2006’s Superman Returns didn’t really help matters considering they did verbal gymnastics to avoid saying “…and the American way” and Superman didn’t even throw one punch in the entire movie. Although he did give Lex Luther a timeout and a stern “talking to”.